Reading this stops my breath.
I've lost love for this world.
These standards.
These ideals.
I'm doing it for the wrong reasons.
I don't even love myself. How can I love another person?
I want to love myself.
I anylyze my character and it's one of genuity and passion. I am slowly becoming the person I want to be.
I perform good deeds.
I'm a good friend.
I work hard.
I learn multitudes.
But where is love?


It's so vivid and colorful that it stains my eyes when I look towards other people.
My best friends; God I love them. Everything about them.
Even the ones who have forgotten about me.
(Andrea, Ashley, Kenneth)
I can't help but think "If only Caleb knew. If only those New Orleans girls knew. If only Lauren knew. Just how truly amazing this person is."
They really are amazing people.
People my heart crave to live among.
And I wrap them inside me with love, stitched with blankets of true, compassionate love.
They say if you truly love someone, you let them go.
It seems like letting someone go is accepting abandonment.
But this summer I've learned abandonment isn't someone choosing to leave you. To move on.
Abandonment is feeling sorry for yourself when you don't get what you want out of a person.
I don't want to be that selfish.
I want to love.
LOVE.
Not become a doormat; but to allow things to happen the way they are without being angry.
Without feeling bitter.
People leave.
Things change.

It's time to focus on who will never leave me. Who will only change to become better. Who really matters 50 years from now.
While these things all apply to my Father in Heaven, I speak of myself.
It's time for me to LOVE myself with the fury, the passion, and the energy I put into old pals.

The night you walked me in the rain
take cover;
underneath your grey umbrella
and I was struck.
not by the noisy wet pellets,
nor the bolts of Zeus
but by the tone of your voice
soft and quiet;
hushed.
beaneath the storming sky
and
that is when I hoped
that brief walk could turn
into miles and miles for you and I.

Holy moly!
So, there's this boy I'm slightly into.
I don't know him too well, I just find him fascinating. Anyways, it was thunderstorming, and I had my class at 7 a few buildings over.
I was talking to him around 6:30 in the library on facebook chat.
I was joking around, and said something about how he should come bring me an umbrella.
He goes, "OK!" and he does!
He walks, all the way from the dorms to the library, just to walk with me under his umbrella to my class.
A boy has never done anything that sweet for me...I think...
I'm pretty sure he isn't into me that way.
And because of that, I'm pretty sure nothing will happen.
But I just thought tonight was a fantastic memory.
It really made me think. I am worth attention like that. I am worth a guy doing sweet things for.
I need a guy who cares as much as he does about his friends.
And I am willing to wait for that.
I will not settle for some idiot who likes me, but acts bossy and rude in order to keep me hanging.
I will not settle for someone who leads me on, or flirts with girls carelessly.
I will not settle for someone who doesn't treat me for the great person I am.
And I will wait. Forever if I have to.
If it never comes, oh well.
At least I know my own worth.

I'm honestly not sure who reads this, I know from the ridiculous amount of views I get that some one does. Maybe its a few creepers on my friends list who never talk to me but read my blogs. Anyways, I don't really know or care.. but whoever does read this particular entry may just learn something from it. Whether its about me, or maybe yourself. Whatev.

This is going to be brutally honest.

This past year I've really changed. It started off with me being quite bitter, angry, heartbroken, and feeling a little lost. The thing is, I was comfortable. I was comfortable with my friends, my faith, myself. I didn't care too much for progress. I was completely in love with someone who I should NOT have been, I was angry and bitter at this person because of the wrongdoings he may have or have not comitted. Either way, I was bitter and holding grudges and that is not healthy or productive in any sense. I settled for mediocrity in every sense of the word, for school, my family.. even my relationship with God. I went through my routine, and no matter how many lessons I would smile and nod at about putting God first - the lessons on forgiving your neighbors...went out one ear and through the other. I had it together. The truth was that God was not my number one. I had somehow thrust him on the back burner and replaced him with someone else. And when this person started failing my standards (which of course he would. He's human. Sort of.) I felt betrayed...angry...bitter...a little lost. Suddenly we weren't friends anymore and my life turned upside down. When finally I moved on from that whole situation (which took me realizing the above and completely refocusing on God and myself) I wasn't angry anymore. I will always miss this person a little. And to be honest, I will always be a little hurt from the way things went, but I can look at myself in the eye and feel completerly satisfied that I harbour no anger or bitterness. So my number one lesson last year --> It is SO easy to replace God with things in your life. Whether it's money, a band, a ministry, a signifigant other.. or in my case, a best friend, and you won't even NOTICE it, until you eventually crash bottom because nothing you replace God with can succeed in fulfilling your expectations.

"Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

With this revelation, I started to really work on myself. Physically. This year I succeeded in losing (officially) 45 lbs...so far. While I am very proud of myself... I still have some more work to do. And slowly day by day I am realizing why I was the way I was. Not many know this, but I had a terrible childhood. Horrible. Maybe I'll tell you about it sometime if you ask. Anyways, I realized that having a lot of weight and an over-the-top personality (which I think most would agree I sometimes sport) was to really hide myself from the world. The people who let me down as a child were the people we all have been told as babies that we should trust and put faith in. Once I realized that I kept putting faith into the wrong people, I finally fixed my eyes upon the one person who I could rely upon. I know this sounds cliché and a bit silly. But honestly.. once I realized that I have God, and he IS NOT going to let me down I do not need to be afraid of men or what they can do to me, and I could strip away these walls I built around myself and finally be who I am. I am so glad. I have strengthened my walk with God so much this year by just being still and letting him work for me and through me. The second lesson ---> He loves me and promises to never leave me; once you get that in your head the world cannot touch you.

"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14

rendering me inneffective
i like the way my eyes look
underneath that specific dull light
you told me how blue they seemed that night
and so i prayed, how the hours may stretch
skew and smooth upon one another
for just that evening
God himself was there
granted me that leisure
as the moment spread itself wide and thinned
I notice that
it's difficult to mention but
hereby I do declare
I WILL NOT stand
to wait for anyone
any
the drop
with drop
he drops

a different sort of rapture

occurring
while the moon is red
(covered in blood)
i creep downstairs and through the front door
time; stills
absolute silence as you and I
"Are you ready to talk?"
leave this crowded room and enter the private quarters of the midnight car
shut in immediately!
silence resounds
the trumpet of Christ
seven times before I open my mouth
and so the seal is broken; once opened the words fly
little javelins
directly handed to you
just so you can tell me
"I have always seen you only as a friend."
dearest, I am not a fool.
A woman knows when she has been played.
She can see the true intentions of your heart and the feelings you so desperately try to hide from the world.
However, I am no woman.
perched in this metal carriage
only a girl
soul shrinking
I realize I must look towards the east
and force you out of my life
In order to leave you behind
my 144,000
my friend
my Judas Iscariot.

Wah-hah!
I have caught onto his little scheme.
What's my favorite flower?
Oh no he didn't.
Or will he?
If he doesn't than I honestly have no idea.
And it is swallowed again.
Oye.

I hate love.
It's so complicated.
Why can't you just like a boy, and he likes you, and you date and it works?
Why does there have to be so many complications?
I like him, he likes me.
Why can't it just work?!

Why do people fall in love with other people and they are not loved back?
Why does that have to happen?
Why can't it be that NO ONE falls in love, unless it is mutual.
The feeling of love, with no reciprocation, is probably the hardest feeling to overcome.

Because you know why?
Without that feeling,
that sinking, formidable, scary swirling darkness feeling.
Without that ice cold stabbing feeling.
Without that longing, passionate, sorrowful feeling.
We would never understand
What God goes through
Every
Single
Day
Every
Single
Moment

We are his lovers that do not love him back.
We refuse to.
He is desperately, irrevokably, unconditionally IN LOVE with us.
And we
only
sway.

I'm so tired.
So very, unbelieveably tired.
Not mentally. Not emotionally.
But I am physically tired. All the time.
I am cold.
All the time.
In the heat, I have goosebumps.
Skinny little girls next to me wear t-shirts.
I am shivering.
I am so cold.
I am so tired.
I could sleep forever with thick comfortable blankets
wrapped around me for eternity.
All I want to to feel warm.
All I want is to be able to be awake for more than 14 hours before feelings like I'm going to pass out.
What's wrong with me?

Hostility, Inc

gripping with iron fingers
spindly;iced
smoky sails ascend into the sky -
momentary realization -
frozen slush (wind on my cheeks)
the boom comes crashing
down
emerald waves crash among this deck
rotten and mutant
holes crunched into wood
and so now
we sink.

you were not there to hold its place.
you could not would not.
slapped with
mutinous
(rage)
eyes roll back
as
you are shoved off
the ship
left to be consumed by
jaws

i will never look back again.

I was quite intrigued to hear my best friend's plan for this afternoon; it was a lovely Sunday evening and her idea of something to do was not typical for the two of us. I glanced sideways at Robyn as she picked at her nose ring and asked; " Can we go to 7-11 and buy some gummy worms?" The plan was to deliver them to a guy she had met who happened to be in Othello's, a local small Italian restaurant. Standing crookedly, she looked at me with expectation.
I had never met this boy; apparently one day she had met him while she was at lunch with some friends, and he had came with a mutual friend of ours. She had deemed him cute, and therefore worthy of some female attention. I pictured her, twirling her short choppy black hair in between her petite fingers as she found out he adored gummy worms, and would happen to be at Othello's the Sunday next. The bright idea to put the two facts together to form another rendezvous was completely hers. I did not find this to be odd; it was just something Robyn would do. Apparently Othello's doubled as a music venue; and he played the drums in his band. They had booked a show for this Sunday.
It was odd, there were many boys she talked to, but this was going above and beyond the call of innocent flirtation. What drew her to him that we would search the corners of campus to find some guy and hand him a package of high-fructose corn syrup? This very fact intruiged me, and I was excited to dive right into this potential love match.
We got in my white Buick LeSabre, "my grandma car," as everyone called it; looks can be deceiving, as that baby cruised like a yacht. Racing into town, we stopped at a 7-11 closeby my house, and Robyn ran in to buy some gummy worms. The pink highlights in her hair made her obvious as I saw her head bobbing in and out of the aisles. She selected the best kind; original rainbow. Classic, yet fascinating; how befitting of the person purchasing them. With our prize in our hands, we drove into the direction of campus. Campus was still a mystery to us, as it was a side of town no one from Norman ventures into unless they have no choice. The thousands of people; crowded parking, loud noises from the local college kids; all things that I, as Norman veteran still in highschool, had no desire to be a part of.
Driving up and down the main streets, we could see no building that could be our destination. Exasperated, I zoomed into a nearby Conoco, and Robyn sauntered in to ask the boyish clerk some directions. I was breathless and annoyed; who was this kid? Why was I wasting so much time trying to find him? I hadn't even met him; I was just driving Robyn because she still didn't have her license and needed a ride. I sat in the car, debating on how to tell Robyn it just wasn't worth it, that we should just head over to the church to talk to people who were more important than this mystery guy. My thoughts were interrupted as she flung open the car door, which was quite large for her to be flinging about with the force she did, with a triumphant, yet crooked smile on her face
"Jill! We were so close. I think we were just supposed to turn down this little alley-thingy and it will be right there!" she squealed.
She sputtered off some vague directions. One glance at her shining little face, and I knew we had to try, at least once more, to find what had now become this dark evil gothic architecture in my mind. Her blue eyes gazed over at me as I sighed, loudly. While her eyes were blue, they were not like the ocean, but more like the sky. She wore her heart on her sleeve and didn't hide anything like the depths of the ocean do. Thinking about it, I was more like the ocean. The combination between sky and ocean is precisely why we work so well together as best friends. Othellos was no longer like a haven at the end of a strenuous journey; but instead a swirling black abyss.
Othello's was nestled quite comfortably between two larger buildings. It's architecture was similar to that of a petite house, with worn down white and green paint which made it look older than it probably was. The restaurant wasn't big, but with the amount of people parked outside one may think there was possibly a missing half to the house. We crept along the sidewalk after parking forever away. With our short stubby legs it took us longer than previously assumed.
As we waddled through the door, I was suddenly hit with the smell of a beer-pizza mixture. I heard some racket going on in the front room; some kids sound-checking their drums. The beat of the snare was almost in rhythm to our heartbeats as we, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible, waded through the crowds of people. What struck me first was the amount of people there. This place was packed. Crammed together, like those crayon boxes with 92 colors inside. You see the box and you think, there is no way there can actually be 92 colors inside this little box, but it is proven true with only the first hour of being given a coloring book. There was no way so many people were inside this tiny little restaurant, but indeed there was. There was no where to sit. There was no where to stand. There was no way we were going to find this mystery man. The restaurant was older looking, the wooden floors creaked whenever someone walked. With so many people inside, the creaking was almost like background music.
We circled the place, twice. I looked over at Robyn, and she knew exactly what I was thinking. He wasn't here. Even if he was, we were late and had to leave anyways. A sigh of failure later, we turn towards the door. As we "excuse me, ma'm" and "pardon me, sir'd" our way to the front, I noticed Robyn scream with the excitement of a little girl on her birthday:
"Heeyyyyyyyy Kenneth!"
And so there he was. It took my eyes a moment to take in the picture. There were so many people I wasn't sure which person was Robyn's Kenneth. Suddenly a long pole stuck out over everyone's heads, as it beckoned us over. His arms were extremely long, and extremely skinny. They were attached to an equally skinny body of a guy about 6 feet tall. His smile was huge, must've been the size of half of his face, squeezing his eyes into tiny little half-moon shapes. His huge smile was covered in metal, his braces were lined with bright pink rubber bands. His hair was long, down to about his shoulders. He looked oddly feminine, and it didn't help he was wearing women's jeans. They were pinned to his tiny hips with a studded belt, the dividing line between his pants and his green War of Ages shirt.
Robyn ran up to him; well actually briskly walk as she never was one to run, and I stayed behind, feeling like the awkward third wheel. I just watch the scene before me. This was it. All of our driving and searching was about to pay off. She thrust the package of gummy worms into his hand. The delivery of the world's most precious cargo. His smile immediately faded into a frown, then went to a look of extreme shock, to confusion, when finally, what seemed an hour later, a small awkward smile. He remembered, is seems, their little conversation where he so casually mentioned he loved gummy worms. I could tell he was very taken aback at the thought of this almost-stranger remembering where he would be and what he liked to eat. At the time, I thought it was cute. Looking back, I realize what Robyn and I did was borderline creepy and stalkerish.
He had to pack up, or go do something of importantance, because he said something to Robyn, hugged her goodbye, and waved acknowledging in my direction.
Robyn found her way back to me. Her eyebrow was raised as if saying, "what do you think?"
He looks a twelve year old, was the first thing that came to my mind. I have no idea what made me say that. Granted, it was true, but I had no idea why I said it. A look of confusion and shock at my response crossed my best friend's face. I wasn't sure what else to say, so I motioned towards the door. We practically ran towards the car. I was so glad to be out of that crammed restaurant. Now unbelieveably late for church, we hurried into the car.
I'm not sure what happened after that; I know we talked. I'm almost sure we talked about Kenneth. I know we talked about gummy worms. The ride home was certainly a song of exclaimations and declarations. I couldn't help but feel accomplished; our mission was over. This mystery guy Robyn kept talking about was a mystery no more. He was a tall, thin, awkward bean pole.

Little did I know that awkward bean pole would become one of the most important people in my life.

A month or so later, I was amazed at how close Robyn and I had grown to Kenneth. It happened that he liked the exact genre of hardcore music we did. This was revealed as the three of us started singing loudly to the lyrics of It's Dangerous Buisness Walking Out Your Front Door. He felt the same passion for the crashing of symbols and double bass drum beats that we did. It was proven how small the world really was when I found out he lived less than two miles away from me and I happened to already be acquainted with several of his cousins. It seemed like it was destiny for us to meet, as he settled so well into the life I already knew. I knew Robyn felt the same way, as she would comment about how odd it was that both of us enjoyed him so much. Homeschooled up until this year, he was like our little baby; we educated and taught him the ways of Norman North High School. Soon, it was revealed that he was one of the most laid back individuals I had ever met, reminding me of the hills of the earth; subtle, yet striking. The third element of our trio was now introduced; we now had sky, ocean and earth. We combined harmoniously into one full person; similar interests and the simple adoration of each other just worked as the glue that held us together.
One New Years Eve I, silently, drove the long 1.3 miles in between Kenneth's house and mine. Kenneth marched to my car, but not before tripping over his ridiculously long legs. Laughing silently, I let him in. Without speaking, we drove immediately to Robyn's house. Pulling into her apartment lot, she came outside, immediately.We were drawn, inexplicably together once again.
It was almost as if we were not three seperate entities, but only a third of a person, and now that the three of us were together we would breathe again. Robyn tilted her head, "hungry?" she asked us. The tripod agreed, that we would go to our usual destination; Waffle House. Our waitress greeted us, as we took a seat in our usual booth. Only a few weeks of coming here on a regular basis, and waitress Sara wordlessly brought out three glasses of water. The three of us chattered away, talking as if we were old friends who hadn't seen one another in years instead of 18 hours. Robyn furrowed her eyebrows as she told us about the show she wanted to go to on friday. As Sara approached, I had to kick Kenneth in the knee to get him to pay attention to Sara instead of his air drums.
"Alright gang. Let me guess. Chocololate chip waffle for you. Cheeseburger for you. Double waffle for you, right?" We nodded, and laughed as she put our orders in. Awesome, I thought as I realized we had achieved ultimate regular status; Sara knew our orders without asking.
After dinner it was obvious where we were going next; the parking lot. It had become out unspoken hangout. Quiet and still, it was the best place to just sit and just be near eachother without feeling the pressure of buying something, like in the mall, or getting leery eyes from waiters, like at a restaraunt. Large and icy, the parking lot's light only had one working lamp-post. The grassy nole beside it was almost a blanket curled to nestle us into the lot. We pulled into our usual spot, and Kenneth climbed into the middle console area like always. We were squeezed together inside my grandma car. Sometimes we wouldn't even talk; just being there with eachother, knowing that the three of us fit so well together was good enough. Gazing up at the stars just knowing that we all were wondering about the same thing; God and how He worked, would pass time. Hours upon hours were spent there, of us singing to our music, usually something loud and numbing, or talking about life, God, death and our families.
You never know when or where you will meet your lifelong friends. You may pursue them, because you think they are interesting. One may stumble into them into the street, breathlessly. I happened to find one in a smoky, crowded crayon box and in the shape of a tall awkward boy. The three of us clutched hands as we said goodbye to 2006 and rang in the new year with our new friendship.

hope lost

crisp licking flames
crawling up inside
my heart split
twice
twice split my heart
and your face;
(changed)
curled into crow's feet wrinkles;
dull eyes; losing
no more green marbles
oh, that face from winter!
faded into only
something I used
to extinguish
my; heart ---
forever.

Could so much change so quickly?
So much pain just taken away, quicker than anything ever?

How it is he is my best friend again?
How did it happen?

How it is I have forgotten all the pain?
Gosh, I have him back. We have him BACK.

Please stay.



Please.

Don't let this be too good to be true.

I guess I never explicitly said it in my last entry, but
That was (most likely and hopefully) the LAST time I will ever mention his name in one of my entries. I lood forward to my writing without him in it.

It's amazing how seeing him for only two nights turns my views upside down.
I went to Steven's last show, of course I see him, considering its his band.
I see him zooming around talking to a bajillion people. I'm not really jealous, I just miss him with a huge intensity.
I immediately feel sick to my stomach.
When someone is so a part of your life, and then completely leaves you, it feel impossible to get over.
I feel like its 100 percent official.
I know I am happier without him in my life.
A part of my knows I would be happier with him laced in my life like he was before, but since that is impossible, I am moving on.
In the sense that I give up.
I will never be happy being this sort of "kind of" backup friend of his. Never. It makes me sick thinking about it.
Officially, and completely. I give up on Kenneth. I'm sick of seeing him, and missing him, and being sad about how we aren't friends anymore. I'm sick of him leaving us behind in the dust, and I'm sick of being so loyal to someone who thinks so little of me. I have no hard feelings towards him (for the record). I wish him nothing but happiness. I will always deeply love and care for him. I will always wish he would be my best friend again. I will always want that in my heart of hearts. But I realized that if this situation makes me unhappy, it is up to me to change this situation. Which for me means to just forget about us ever being friends again.

Good.

Oh Lord. I can't remember the last time I cried; things have been going so well. Well, that's a lie. I mean, I can't remember the last time I cried about him. And today.
He came to church tonight. It feels awkward seeing him now; he seems taller, and thinner, with greasier hair. He had a new facial piercing. His bottom lip. I still never got used to him without his braces on. Seeing a huge, striahgt white smile still shocks me when I was so used to seeing a mouth ful of metal with pink rubber bands. Wearing a v-neck, cutoffs. The usual. Morphed into this scene machine, this total stranger. So bizarre to see him that way, changed so much into this person I'm not familiar looking at. I felt awkward. This was my turf, my church, my room. Why was he here? Why? Why? I shouldn't be feeling awkward; this place was MINE. Not his. Seeing him laugh with his new friends stung. But I ignored it and moved on. I barely spoke to him. I waved hello and smiled. What more do people want from me? Besides, we were okay now. This was okay. If we ever want to be friends again, I should get used to seeing him in person. I felt fine, though. I did not feel the intense longing or sting like usual.

Time passed, hours later I texted him. Said "It was good seeing you." and we talked. Virtual talking. He told me he's moving in with some girl. Her name is "lipstick Jessica" what the world. Seriously. They are apparently new BFFS. How queer. He asked what I thought about that. I told him it was weird and awkward. I hate that. I hate that he's getting an apartment with some scene girl and I hate that he quit college for this stupid band and I hate that we've grown apart. I hate that I'm not the one who gets to share his summer experiences with. That he's going camping with freaking lipstick jessica and not me. I hate that the band gets to listen to him play his guitar and go on his little talking rants. I hate that he was my best friend. I hate that I still miss him to this day more than I have ever missed anyone. I hate that its making me cry right now. I hate that I'm writing about it on freaking livejournal. I hate that I feel pathetic. I hate that he looks like a scene robot. I hate that I love being near him. I hate that he always makes me laugh. I hate that I'm thinking about him because I miss him in my life. I hate that he doesn't know anythign thats going on with me. I hate that he won't be living five minutes away from me anymore. I hate that he would rather live in a van eating peanut butter and jelly instead of hanging out with me. I hate that I feel so possessive over him. I hate that I can;t feel possesive over him because he isn't my best friend anymore. He's freaking lipstick Jessica's and love be-freaking-gotten's best friend. Not mine. Anymore. I hate that we are no longer Jill Kenneth Robyn but instead it is now Jill Robyn and Kenneth Begotten. I hate that. I hate that. I hate all these things.

But what I hate the most is that he just doesn't care about what I hate or why I hate it. I hate that he does not miss me anything close to how I miss him. And I hate that he will never read this. And I hate that even if he did it would change absolutely nothing.

But guess what? I do not hate him.
I will never hate him.

I just really wish this ache
would go
away.

First day of school as a sophomore in college.
Blows my mind that I am that old, honestly. I don't feel that old.
Time is passing, not like a continuous line or typical chronology; but instead like a blanket. Sucking in the totally wrapping my days and experiences until they are so snuggled that they aren't mine anymore; they are the blankets.

My classes seem good, none appear they wil be too difficult.
I felt like I wanted to write.
But now that I am I really don't want to.

Maybe tomorrow.

Robyn did this on her myspace. Right now I only have time to do the first 50. There will be another 50 coming eventually.
100 things about me.
Things you may, or may not know.
All true; all honest.


1. I have a huge, irrational fear of the sound of balloons popping.
2. My favorite book is Jane Eyre, because it took my breath away.
3. I was born in Foxboro, MA. I moved to Norman, OK when i was thirteen.
4. I have: One full sister, one half sister, two half brothers, one step brother, one step sister. I consider myself to have two siblings, though. Two sisters.
5. I can't wait to grow old.
6. I am terrified to grow old.
7. I am more passionate than you ever will be. That scares me. A lot. I'm not sure if one person is supposed to be so passionate and excited for so much; it seems like everyone else will always be a let-down.
8. I love my church parking lot. I would build a small shack and live there if I could.
9. I want to find my creative equal.
10. I put my faith, too much, into others and their actions.
11. March 19th, 2007 was possibly the best night of my life. I understand the people involved in that night probably do not remember what happened.
12. April 26th 2008 was possibly the worst night of my life. I understand the people involved in that night probably also do not remember what happened.
13. I miss running. A lot.
14. I am a lot more insecure with myself than I lead on. Hence the reason for #10.
15. My mom used to be my best friend. That changed when she got re-married. I still haven't quite forgiven her for that.
16. I would honestly be dead by now if I hadn't become a Christian when I was 14. Not metaphorically, but literally stone cold dead.
17. I believe, because of #16, that God entered my life for insane reasons that will blow my mind whenever I figure out what is next.
18. I deeply wish I was born with red hair.
19. When I am very comfortable with you, I will be silent.
20. When I am very uncomfortable, I will also be silent.
21. I have always loved to read. Books give me this crazy butterfly feeling. People do not ever give me that feeling.
22. I want to see the world. But I want to see it alone.
23. I worry far too much about stupid things. Not matter what I do, I care too much for my own good.
24. It alarms me that people don't care as much as I do. It makes me feel too dramatic.
25. My biological father is a terrible, dispicable man. I am terrified that I will either 1) Become just like him 2) Marry someone just like him.
26. It makes me feel guilty that no matter how many forgiveness sermons are preached, I still despise him.
27. I can read people and their motives like a book. I do not always show this.
28. I think I am quite annoying and pathetic.
29. I keep a diary in my bottom drawer and also an online livejournal which I update somewhat regularly. You could probably find this easily, but I really don't want you to. Well, you can read it if you want. But you can't tell me you read it. Reading this reminds me of fact #28.
30. I firmly believe JAR and my other friendships mean more to me than the people in JAR and the other friendships.
31. I have a hard time saying "NO" when people ask things of me.
32. I will probably always love Anberlin more than I love you. I am sorry for this.
33. I smoked marijuana one time. I was 14. I will never do that again.
34. I have never gotten drunk. I do not plan on it. Ever.
35. I have never kissed anyone. Because of this, I feel pathetic. In turn, I feel like a moron for feeling pathetic, because kissing at a young age is so secular and media officiated.
36. I think I have more fun not partying than you have partying.
37. I love water.
38. I think my dog is a mythical creature.
39. I (somewhat) wear my heart on my sleeve. If I miss you, I will tell you. If I'm angry, you will know. If I'm sad, you will know. I don't like hiding my emotions.
40. If the above (#39) does not seem true to you, than I do not trust you enough to allow it to be so. Sorry.
41. I do not trust easily.
42. There is a scar on my upper right eyebrow arch. I got this by jumping into a glass coffee table. I was 5.
43. The sound of people crunching/popping their bones freaks me out. Please do not do it.
44. I am needy. I like a lot of attention. I am sorry for this.
45. I like things done a certain way. I would rather complete a project (like decorating or a group project) by myself than have help because I don't believe people can accomplish goals as well as I would want. I am sorry for this as well.
46. In spite of #44 and #45, I do not have a big ego.
47. My earliest memory is one of me and my boy cousin tricycle racing down my Aunt's hilly driveway.
48. During my parents divorce (and the experience), my sisters and I underwent counseling for many years. My therapist was worried because I was too quiet.
49. I LOVE LOVE LOVE surprising my friends on their birthdays.
50. Some people get addicted to drugs or alcohol. I get addicted to people in my life. I believe my addictions are just as unhealthy. When they leave, I get physically ill.

He's leaving tomorrow. For several months. I'm not quite sure how I feel. I do admit I've grown a little more attached than I originally planned. I do have feelings for him, I'm just not sure what they are. Certainly friendship and love in that friendship. Certainly physical attraction.
Need there be more?
Or is "the more" just shadows our heart tells us we see? Some faints ghouls that the media and romantic novels have invented, a creation; a myth that has plagued us for centuries?

Does time heal a broken heart?
Do we ever really get over someone?
Or do we just get used to them not being there anymore?
Get accustomed to never seeing them?
Accept the fact they are no longer in our lives?
Do we focus so much on new people new faces that theirs is just pushed back into the recessions of our mind?
And when, and if, that face is retrieved in our present memory, is the "over them" feeling just a lie we tell ourselves because seeing their face is just so alarming, when we once knew it like the back of our hand?

The inevitable answers to these questions frighten me.
They frighten me to the extent that I'm not sure of what I'm doing.
If I doubt myself, where am I?

I'm just not quite sure.

I sit here, in my room. I'm going to work within two hours. Things are changing too fast. JAR is falling apart. Ashley is distant; I'm so worried. I'm terrified that this is the end. I'm scared that the thing I cling onto, the clutch of the familiar is fading faster than I can hold my breath. How quickly is she forgetting us. How can you erase 6 years so fast? How can you erase 7 amazing months so fast?

Robyn says she doesn't like it. This disdain I have for our memories. It just makes me sad. All the memories of Andrea, Ashley, Kenneth. All those memories are intertwined so much more intricately than we know. If you remind me of the times that made me smile, I am immediately yanked back from them, as I recall what its like for the coldness of their absence. I am frozen to this place where I only want to look ahead.

Have I changed? No.
Maybe that's the problem. I haven't changed.
How does one change?
Still change, but still stay close to who they want to be.
Who I am.

This isn't the end.
I can't help but feel like, after the boyfriends, after the business, after the band, after the distractions. All that will be left; all that will remain will be us. The five of us. Relaxed and melted into eachother just like old times.

I don't want to reminisce. I want new memories. Better ones, ones that we know are happening when they're happening.